I did not mean that kinda FEAR!!

You know those horror movies where the girl goes to investigate the strange noise in the basement without turning the lights on, despite the string of brutal murders that have recently plagued her small country town?  Those movies where you are so incensed at the stupidity that you actually stand up, flip the popcorn off your lap and scream, “you MORON, RUN out your front door – RUN as fast as you can.”  What kind of brain damage have you endured to think lone investigation is a good idea!! I do realize that this scene is a staple in low-production horror flicks and has become a satire of itself. However, I never thought this scenario would be present in the context of modern love.  And do I realize that in my last blog post, I said love should be scary, but this was definitely not the kind of fear I was referring to!

I am going to take you back to Betty and the Rabbit Hole!  As mentioned before, Betty was married for eight years and still believes in love at first sight. Hence, the acid trip which was her recent Alice in Wonderland romance. Ladies, if there are so many red flags flying at you that they could fill the ball pit at Chucky Cheese, then it is not a tragic Romeo and Juliet romance that you need to fight for. You need to RUN out the front door!  Do not go into the dark basement to investigate the strange noise because you need proof.  Since my last post, Betty’s situation has developed.  I am now going to take you back through the fall into the Rabbit Hole and cover off the other red flags besides the premature declarations of love. They are so numerous, so I’ve outlined them in point form:

1.       On their first date, he brings up the topic of family money. He claims his family has gotten quite wealthy in the import-export business.  But conveniently, his family is based in LA, so meeting them would be difficult. Alright, he was trying to impress her.  But it should have been obvious to Betty that this was a little off due to the obvious lack of dental care. Families with money provide dental care to their children. This is only disproved if you are British.

2.       He claims he is a homeowner.  But he does not live in said home. Instead, he lives in a hovel with a roommate across the street from it. To Betty’s credit, she ran a property search on his name (well, what she thought was his name. See Red Flag #6) and it never came up. When asked about this, he had a very well reasoned response to the lack of name on the title, a reason I personally still do not understand, but it had something to do with not being a Canadian citizen and for tax purposes, he placed it in someone else’s name.  By the way, we are only on date number 2..

3.       Number 2 leads to number 3 involving some very strange explanation about citizenship and heritage.  The story goes like this:  he is an American citizen who was born in Italy to Iranian parents and is waiting on permanent residency in Canada. I believe this was to explain his lack of friends?

4.       He sells Ferraris and BMWs on the side, yet drives a 1982 Honda civic with different coloured rust paneling.  It was actually quite cute.  It looked a bit like paint by numbers.

5.       He does not keep his money in the bank.  It is in zip-lock bags under his bed.  Again Betty, to some credit, asks him about being a drug dealer. But he had a good story to explain this too (because you know drug dealers when approached always fess up to their illegal practices!) Through my own process of elimination, I have concluded he is not a drug dealer, but that he must be an arms dealer.

6.       Gino is not his real name.  He has two names

7.       He claimed to be flying to New York for work one week.  However, there were no flights departing or landing according to the itinerary he gave Betty.  Yes, Betty is still looking for “PROOF”!!!!  Again to give her credit, she did search departures and arrivals in NYC.

8.       While he was “in New York,” he asks Betty to pick up documents from an apartment that is not his.  Not to worry, he has the apartment keys and the safe code.  Right…  This isn’t  sketchy at all!   At this point,  the false itinerary had given Betty enough suspicion that she didn’t run this small but strange errand.

9.       Betty was still looking for more concrete proof that he wasn’t above board (YES, SHE WAS STILL LOOKING FOR PROOF), so she insisted on picking him up from the airport upon his return.  Conveniently, Microsoft has arranged a car service for him!  And when she insisted, he responded “Oh no, I’ll be in New York a day later for work.”

10.   A member of his church group calls to warn her this guy is not all that he says.  No shit, Sherlock!!

11.   How could I forget the biggest Red Flag of them all – the third date ‘I LOVE YOU’

I do blame Hollywood a bit for the reason women are so screwed up - proliferating this idea that love at first site exists. We have all experienced sitting around with our girlfriends watching a movie like Crazy Stupid Love wishing and hoping that one day, at some random bar encounter the douche bag player realizes he needs to change his ways, and we are the one – and it was us, our personality and beauty that converted them.  Seriously, talk about being sold a load of crap! Some might call me cynical.  Betty insists that she wears her heart on her sleeve and therefore is open to love. But as I said before, after date number 1 she should have RUN out the front door and never looked back.  If she had, we might have avoided what happened next.

As it was Saturday morning, I was watching English football with a few male friends partaking in the irrational screaming at the television when the overpaid players missed the net (I am sure my anger issues come as no surprise).  Suddenly Betty is in my living room on her hands and knees so to be avoid being seen through the windows.  Why you ask?  Because the Iranian arms dealer was lurking around our backyard!  He stayed for 15 minutes, roaming from the back door to the downstairs windows and then milling around the carport!  Obviously, my friends thought this was insane until I described the insurmountable mountain of red flags that Betty finally had seen and realized she needed to get out. Then he moved the paint by number car, parked it someplace else, and came back.  Dead seriously, I thought our house was going to be featured on the nightly news.

How women can lose all perspective and logic with a sweet talking professor of love baffles me.  I have seen numerous specials on 60 Minutes featuring women being duped by con artist men.  But watching it unfold in real life still makes me wonder HOW?  It was so painfully obvious buddy was a pathological liar and a con artist.  I guess when you grow up with a con artist and a pathological liar like I did, you gain the ability to spot them from across the Atlantic.  Betty on the other hand, had a nice and kind father who showered her with love and indulged her every need.

In conclusion, I hope Betty has learned a few life lessons from this spurt with love namely that love does not exist after three dates and when a pathological liar tells you he is not a drug dealer, he is most likely an arms dealer!  In the meantime I’ll be sleeping with a large knife on my bedside table, just in case!