I need to get LAID!!!

All I want for Christmas is to get LAID! Arghhhh!!!  SEX SEX SEX!!!  Ladies and gentlemen, I am back to fantasizing about humping the lamp post.  I may be a virgin again if this streak keeps up.  Is it medically safe to go 3 months without sex?  I am sure the Harvard Medical Journal is printing a report as we speak explaining how lack of sex can lead to cancer.  The only positive point from this dry spell is that I am late and in no way nervous – because I ain’t no virgin Mary; however, tis’ the season. 

For all intents and purposes, this lack of action is my fault.  I have been lying fairly low as a result of being … committable.  I felt it was safer to avoid high stress situations aka: relations with men.  Why? Because they are morons.  Fact not fiction.  Here is some substantiating evidence to my theory: I have been in a bit of an email relationship with a boy from London, Wapping, for the past 8 months.  Let me explain “relationship.”  We bitch about stupid people, the Occupy movement (sorry, redundant), hangovers and why corporal punishment should be used in the school system.  It’s typical light-hearted conversation.  But, let me make it very very clear, we have never chatted about ”us” or visiting each other, or anything that would constitute more than pen pals.  Despite our jovial conversation, he does come out with the stereotypical comments about women every now and again, like today when he sent me this:

Ah, I wondered why there had been radio silence for such a long time. In the typical womanly way you just get pissed off and then cut communication and then go mad at the question "Is something wrong?" I half expect you to answer that question with "If you don't know then I don't think I can tell you!"

What is with men who think that everything in the world revolves around them?  Maybe I was busy, did that ever occur to him?  Women would never assume something like this because we would figure he was busy, did not get our last email or the usual reason which we pretend does not exist: “he is just not that into me”.  What I wanted to write back was this:  “Typically the reason a a woman is mad at you is because you are a moron.”  But because (a) our mothers taught us that if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all and (b) calling a man a moron is stating the obvious, we suck up our anger, take the time, get over it and then resume the relationship.  But no, this was my response:  “Radio silence – aaawwwww… did you miss me?!”

Let’s get back to my point.  Despite men being touched – and I don’t mean by an angel – they still have something I want.  This irritates me.  Normally I get around this is by sleeping around on vacation.  This way, I don’t have to learn their name and there is no chance of running into them while schlepping into Swiss Chalet hung over in my Walmart sweats.  Unfortunately WHOCATING (Being a whore on vacation) did not work this last trip.  Why, you ask?   This family vacation was in Disneyland.  This isn’t exactly the best place to get some action unless Mickey is feeling a bit frisky.  However, I might have had a few ride alongs while in D-land which resulted in flirting with the 17 year old named James who was running the Tea Cup ride.  I know, I know. Issues!  But as I said, I fear this dry spell may give me cancer.  Really, it is  now a health concern as opposed to a want.

I realize I MIGHT be slightly dramatic at the moment because Betty has just past the year mark.  It has been a year since her divorce and she is ready to get back out there.   After being out of the dating game for ten years and now in her early thirties, it was strange for me to hear some of the things Betty thought about, the first of which was the STD testing.  I see an ad for AIDS and whether I have had sex or not, I go and get tested.  I had simple blood work done the other day to check my thyroid and the doctor’s office called me to discuss.  Have you ever had the doctor’s office call you after a blood test? BAH!!!  I freaked, standing in the middle of Kiehls.  I screamed into the phone “Oh my God, do I have AIDS?”  After the nurse quit laughing, she confirmed I was STD free and that I had low iron and the doctor wanted to discuss.  So yes, I totally understand the safety issue; however, most of us just wrap it up, go on the pill and hope for the best.  Betty on the other hand went “after school MTV special.”  She had gone on a few dates and she actually asked him if he would get tested.  I laughed when she told me this, because his response was obviously “no”  followed by “but I will double wrap it.”  Again, men are morons.  But even Betty has realized the sex rules for girls in their thirties have changed.  Women in their thirties no longer need to play this game of “holding out.”  They do what they want.  Why?  Because single men in their thirties are no longer looking for the virgin.  That guy already got married, and the ones that are not married, you don’t want to marry.

I have discovered one very important fact this year about sleeping with a boy on the first date.  I have always been told it is against “the rules,” but when I look at my single girlfriends that either hold out or whore it up like me, I see one commonality: we are all still single.  The only difference is the whores get laid!