HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Happy New Year! Yes, I know it’s a little late, but I have been busy trying to make 2012 better than 2011. You would think this would be an easy feat. Well, think again.  2012 is being ... Difficult!  It began alright. My New Year’s Eve was a blast!  I got to wear flats, hang with my amazing drunken friends and make out with a cute British boy!  But oh 2012, you lulled me into a false sense of security because swiftly after my make-out high, I was hit with an intestinal bacteria, bounced a cheque and, to top it all off, I lost a button on my winter coat as it started to snow! I am beginning to believe that I am God’s comedy hour. I can picture him up there in heaven using the clouds as the best barcaloungers ever, inviting the Arch Angel Gabriel over and laughing hysterically at my life! And though I am coming to grips with the fact that the meaning of my life is actually to be its punch line, I don’t feel I need to read about it, hence my New Year’s resolution - no more horoscopes. Last year I religiously read my horoscope clinging to the hope that one day it would read: “it will all work out.” But instead it just kept telling me life was going to be hard. No shit Sherlock! I don't need to be a clairvoyant to predict that one. So basically, my New Year’s resolution is to no longer read the fricken obvious!

I realize most of the world normally makes New Year’s resolutions based on health: drink less, eat less, and go to the gym. Which means for the month of January the gym is insane - and so is its parking lot. Now maybe it is that life might be getting to me and my prescription needs to be upped or that I am generally fed up with people who think they are above common decency or reason, but in some ways I am the spitting image of my father…  there might have been an incident in the aforementioned parking lot last Thursday.  After waiting patiently for 20 minutes, a spot opens up. But a princess driving her daddy's BMW on the wrong side of the street raced up and snagged it. Wel,l you can imagine this did not go over well. I threw my car into park in the middle of the road and gave her hell. The line-up was 7 cars long. I was not the only one being screwed at the moment.  But in Canada no one does anything! We just grumble to ourselves and let it fester. If I was in India at least I would have mob mentality back-up. But no, no back-up for Cassandra and therefore it would have been unwise to pull her from her car by her hair and explain why her behavior was unacceptable. Stupid assault charges.  That’s a HUGE problem with our justice system! What this girl did do is claim she was an instructor and was late for her class. Therefore, when I finally got a spot, I laid into the general manager about his employee. But guess what?  She isn’t an employee!  And she was in the class I was attending.  Unfortunately for me she avoided me like the plague and I was not able to get her alone to finish our conversation.  So unsatisfying!  But really, what was I going to do? Create a scene and look like an idiot? Key her car? All options, yet none viable, which in turn just made me feel weak.  I know getting out of my car and reprimanding her was more than most would do, but in my eyes she still won and I was powerless to do anything about it.  The only satisfaction I received was knowing that the manager was going to speak to her about impersonating an employee.  Even at that, I know he went easy on her. I know I might be overreacting a bit with my desire for vigilante behavior. But sometimes I feel as though the world has fallen apart and if people are going to act like primitive animals, they should be beaten accordingly! Instead, I am sitting here with her license plate number trying to figure out how to mess with her and get her audited by CRA!

I know it always comes back to my father.  But come on, daddy issues prop major industries of society and therefore deserves time in the limelight.  My dad got into a lot of fights when I was a kid.  I really did think it was normal to have the cops show up on your doorstep ever so often.  Didn’t all of our dads beat up the garbage truck driver?! And although I hate it when people fight (I find UFC the biggest buzz kill and basically soft core gay porn), I do recognize that at that moment in the parking lot I was more like him. It left me confused. What is the correct thing to do?  Act like my father, who in the end would have won the parking spot battle, but maybe with some bloodshed?  Or walk away as I did? I do not know because my anger and disrespect towards my father runs so deep that any characteristic he embodies, I counter whether it is a good thing or not. Shedding some of my anger and getting perspective I do see that not all things my father stands for are maniacal.  However the question becomes, which ones that are inherent to me are good qualities and which ones are suspect?

With this type of thinking and self discovery I have a feeling that 2012 is not going to be that great beach vacation I was hoping for.  Bet God is just busting a gut at the moment!

I need to get LAID!!!

All I want for Christmas is to get LAID! Arghhhh!!!  SEX SEX SEX!!!  Ladies and gentlemen, I am back to fantasizing about humping the lamp post.  I may be a virgin again if this streak keeps up.  Is it medically safe to go 3 months without sex?  I am sure the Harvard Medical Journal is printing a report as we speak explaining how lack of sex can lead to cancer.  The only positive point from this dry spell is that I am late and in no way nervous – because I ain’t no virgin Mary; however, tis’ the season. 

For all intents and purposes, this lack of action is my fault.  I have been lying fairly low as a result of being … committable.  I felt it was safer to avoid high stress situations aka: relations with men.  Why? Because they are morons.  Fact not fiction.  Here is some substantiating evidence to my theory: I have been in a bit of an email relationship with a boy from London, Wapping, for the past 8 months.  Let me explain “relationship.”  We bitch about stupid people, the Occupy movement (sorry, redundant), hangovers and why corporal punishment should be used in the school system.  It’s typical light-hearted conversation.  But, let me make it very very clear, we have never chatted about ”us” or visiting each other, or anything that would constitute more than pen pals.  Despite our jovial conversation, he does come out with the stereotypical comments about women every now and again, like today when he sent me this:

Ah, I wondered why there had been radio silence for such a long time. In the typical womanly way you just get pissed off and then cut communication and then go mad at the question "Is something wrong?" I half expect you to answer that question with "If you don't know then I don't think I can tell you!"

What is with men who think that everything in the world revolves around them?  Maybe I was busy, did that ever occur to him?  Women would never assume something like this because we would figure he was busy, did not get our last email or the usual reason which we pretend does not exist: “he is just not that into me”.  What I wanted to write back was this:  “Typically the reason a a woman is mad at you is because you are a moron.”  But because (a) our mothers taught us that if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all and (b) calling a man a moron is stating the obvious, we suck up our anger, take the time, get over it and then resume the relationship.  But no, this was my response:  “Radio silence – aaawwwww… did you miss me?!”

Let’s get back to my point.  Despite men being touched – and I don’t mean by an angel – they still have something I want.  This irritates me.  Normally I get around this is by sleeping around on vacation.  This way, I don’t have to learn their name and there is no chance of running into them while schlepping into Swiss Chalet hung over in my Walmart sweats.  Unfortunately WHOCATING (Being a whore on vacation) did not work this last trip.  Why, you ask?   This family vacation was in Disneyland.  This isn’t exactly the best place to get some action unless Mickey is feeling a bit frisky.  However, I might have had a few ride alongs while in D-land which resulted in flirting with the 17 year old named James who was running the Tea Cup ride.  I know, I know. Issues!  But as I said, I fear this dry spell may give me cancer.  Really, it is  now a health concern as opposed to a want.

I realize I MIGHT be slightly dramatic at the moment because Betty has just past the year mark.  It has been a year since her divorce and she is ready to get back out there.   After being out of the dating game for ten years and now in her early thirties, it was strange for me to hear some of the things Betty thought about, the first of which was the STD testing.  I see an ad for AIDS and whether I have had sex or not, I go and get tested.  I had simple blood work done the other day to check my thyroid and the doctor’s office called me to discuss.  Have you ever had the doctor’s office call you after a blood test? BAH!!!  I freaked, standing in the middle of Kiehls.  I screamed into the phone “Oh my God, do I have AIDS?”  After the nurse quit laughing, she confirmed I was STD free and that I had low iron and the doctor wanted to discuss.  So yes, I totally understand the safety issue; however, most of us just wrap it up, go on the pill and hope for the best.  Betty on the other hand went “after school MTV special.”  She had gone on a few dates and she actually asked him if he would get tested.  I laughed when she told me this, because his response was obviously “no”  followed by “but I will double wrap it.”  Again, men are morons.  But even Betty has realized the sex rules for girls in their thirties have changed.  Women in their thirties no longer need to play this game of “holding out.”  They do what they want.  Why?  Because single men in their thirties are no longer looking for the virgin.  That guy already got married, and the ones that are not married, you don’t want to marry.

I have discovered one very important fact this year about sleeping with a boy on the first date.  I have always been told it is against “the rules,” but when I look at my single girlfriends that either hold out or whore it up like me, I see one commonality: we are all still single.  The only difference is the whores get laid!