Even DJ Tanner had a Boyfriend!

So it is no secret that I am single. I’ve been single for a very long time actually. WAIT! Have I ever been in a relationship? Does an eight month period of dating count? Or hanging out? Sleeping with?  Does acting like a lovesick girlfriend, getting nothing in return and having him refuse to call me his girlfriend count? Let’s see: crying, emotional damage, reduced self-esteem …yep a relationship. Sad but this was also the longest of my so-called relationships. I never even had a boy hold my hand in high school.  Do you know what that does to a girl’s self-esteem? And I blame Hollywood for making it worse. Every pre-teen girl had a boyfriend in the movies. Even DJ Tanner had a boyfriend.  She wasn’t even that pretty! I assumed it was the fantastic ‘80s puff hair which, believe me, I spent hours and hours attempting to perfect. When the puff failed me, I took to praying every night.  I am dead serious. Every night in my prayers since the age of 12 I have prayed for a boy to like me. ANY BOY! Finally in my thirties I am starting to realize that my lack of standards may have led me into half-baked flings with many a suspect men  ... cough… douchebags! But when you pray every night for 6 years and finally at 18 years old the first boy you kiss ends up going out with the cougar with a 6 year old instead of you - you begin to think, well at least he liked me for just a moment.  At least I can now say I have been kissed.

I do not say all this because I am having some massive pity party about still being single.  I say this because I finally see the error of my ways.  I spent 18 years willing to settle for anything. Picking men that were players trying to make them like me because that would mean I was worth it, but not realizing they were self- involved pricks who when they lose their looks are no longer players but just creepy old men.  I ran into one of these failed conquests the other day and my first thought was “what was I thinking?” How quickly the slight chub in our twenties turns into “wow, is that just going to hang there?” I was floored! I made a complete fool of myself at a wedding once trying to get this man’s attention. In my defense, I was quite intoxicated and might have thrown a water glass at the head table thinking I was setting the glass down gently – or so I have been told.  There was no videographer so as far as I am concerned, this event was hearsay.

But that was not the only encounter that created this revelation.  In my dating history, which again is brief, I managed to have two heartbreaks.  The 8 month stint with the Coward which is a whole can of daddy issue worms on why I stayed in that one. But the one that really broke my heart started as a friend and one night after bottles and bottles of wine he leaned over and kissed me. What the hell?! Love! We had known each other for three years and launched into this euphoric relationship where he would write me emails about butterflies in his stomach over the excitement to see me. Total pathetic crap that I was just eating up!  We go away together and our first night together is amazing.  He cooked me a gourmet meal and we drank a few bottles of wine and well … you can see where this is going. Then the next day he breaks up with me. Might as well have hit me over the head with a frying pan. That would have been less of a shock.  I spent the next 3 hours by myself crying on the ferry home. This crushed me so badly that 2 weeks later on vacation with Hookah, I was still bursting into tears. Once at an internet café in nowhere-ville Turkey, the older proprietor who didn’t speak a lick of English brought us watermelon to make me stop crying.  Basically Gayboy ripped out my heart – it was awful. Oh yes, I should mention my fantastic friends thought he was gay.  In all seriousness, I thought this was the one.  The timeline was right and everything: meet at 25, marry at 27, kids at 30. HA! I guess I missed the boat on that one!  It destroyed me.  What the hell was the matter with me? Why did no boy want to date me? This never happened to DJ Tanner! Where is Uncle Jesse when you need him! Maybe he would date me? Yum!

However, I am glad to say that the world has its ways and unanswered prayers are sometimes a blessing.  I saw Gayboy two days ago walking down the street and despite ducking into the nearest building to avoid seeing him (I really did not think I was looking my cutest that day –  please do not mistake my vanity for caring) my only thought was – Thank GOD for unanswered prayers.  Now married, he’s not openly gay, but he is balding (make that bald). This is despite having hair EVER WHERE else, bad posture and being slight in the shoulders.  What was I thinking? 

It took me some time to learn lessons my lessons with men. I will concede, I was definitely on the short bus. I have finally gotten some self-esteem when it comes to men – and the proof is in the pudding.  After a football match two weeks ago, a guy ran up a hill to pick me up. I mean literally ran up the hill. Flattering!  He was average cute and chatted me up for a few blocks before giving me his card. Another football match took place today so I thought I would text him letting him know he could buy me a beer. I thought this was quite the cute cheeky text message.  His response was just plain dumb: “I’m pretty sure I was racing my friend up the hill…I was pretty drunk. I can’t tomorrow.”  What was the point of even responding?  But despite this, whatever it is, the old me would have texted back trying to make something happen, instantly reverting into my needy thinking that any attention is good attention.  Instead, without even a second thought, I laughed and thought “Wow, buddy. Way to destroy your chance!”

I maybe single at 31 where my best prospect is a gentleman from overseas whose idea of romance is sending me video clips about cricket. No joke, the English are a bit touched when it comes to women. How they manage to keep up their birth rates considering their male population’s inability to approach a woman is an act of god.  Therefore, if you are with me about unanswered prayers, join me in rocking with Beyonce - the best thing I never had! Seriously, she can do no wrong.